Do you ever play the mental game of “what if … “?
I spend a lot of time in my own head and tend to overthink things … eventually drifting into an inevitable “what if” scenario.
What if I won $50,000? $500,000? $1,000,000? Who would I share it with? What would I buy … if anything?
What if we decided to move? Where would I want to go? House vs condo? City vs country?
What if I could go back to school? What would I want to study?
The questions go on and on in my head.
Recently, Sammy D at Bemuzin wrote a post about the human need to find our sense of place … a feeling of belonging. It really struck a chord with me because I had just come out of some significant head time thinking about “where did I belong” – except not in the usual sense. I had became obsessed about trying to figure out where I belonged after I died.
It all started with Gilles heading off for a day of cycling – a normal occurrence – however I was in a somewhat dark frame of mind and before long my brain fired up into ‘what if’ mode. What if Gilles didn’t come back? What if today I became a widow? (Did I mention I was in a dark frame of mind?)
Eventually I started thinking about burials vs cremation. Well – that’s easy. We had both decided a long time ago that we wanted to be cremated. The problem however is that I realized we’d never discussed what we wanted after cremation. Forever on the mantle just didn’t seem right. Burial? Ashes scattered? … but where?
That’s when the feeling of ‘where do I belong?’ started to resurface. I’ve always had the feeling of being an outsider and not quite fitting in wherever I’ve lived … but I came to terms with that a long time ago.
…. but not knowing where I belong for all of eternity?! Now that’s a question that makes my head feel like it might explode.
Do you know where you belong? Am I the only one who gets lost in the mental rabbit hole?