A Hairy Tale

It seems I’ve been on a roll lately with misadventures and the Universe decided to deliver a new one.

When my plans for the day were suddenly cancelled early this morning, I decided today would be a good day to drag my ape-like body to the salon for deforestation (yes, I know – a bit of mixed metaphor, but work with me here).

I admit, I pay to have someone put hot wax on my body and then rip out the hair.

I’ve been doing it for years and between the months of May and October, I regularly visit the same delightfully gentle woman to deliver my epilation.

Unfortunately, my delightfully gentle esthetician is away this week and so I reluctantly agreed to see someone new.

{Cue the horror movie music}

You know that stereotype about the Russian masseuse? – all rough, hard-edged, take-no-prisoners attitude? Yeah – that’s who I had … exception she wasn’t Russian. All the same, at the first sight of her I should have run.

But I didn’t.

The experience wasn’t the relatively painless passage into hairlessness I was used to. It was a rough, all-out war on hair.

After the initial rrrriiiiip (I wondered how much skin I had lost in the process), I think my body started spitting out the hair in self-defence.

… and the lovely massage of soothing lotion on the skin at the end? I felt more like a turkey being basted.

However, that wasn’t even the real horror … that occurred at the end when she suddenly declared in a tone that sounded more like a directive, that I should have a Brazilian* too – after all, “I was already there and now would be a good time”.

{Cue the horror movie music again}

I think I gave an Oscar-worthy performance in managing to keep a straight face as I suggested perhaps another day.

Holy Mother Mary … there wouldn’t be enough anaesthetic in the world that could dull the pain of a Brazilian performed at the hands of this woman!

From this experience, I’ve learned that not all estheticians are created equally and although I tip my esthetician generously (a wise thing to do with the person putting hot wax on your body), the delightfully gentle woman I normally see deserves a raise.

A very large raise.

**********************************************************************************

  • If you aren’t familiar with a Brazilian, Dictionary.com defines it as “the process of removing all or almost all pubic and other hair in the pelvic area by applying hot wax”.

82 comments

  1. OMG!! I’m cringing! I don’t trust anyone to wax me, but it sure would be nice to shave less than I have to. Unfortunately for my daughter, I think she’s even hairier than me. We do use wax on our faces and it’s pretty painful. I can’t imagine waxing large swaths of my body!

    Liked by 2 people

    • It shouldn’t be surprising considering (for example) that virtually all of us have had bad haircuts.

      When we find a good one, they are irreplaceable!! Good luck finding someone you trust again!

      Like

  2. Oh Joanne I laughed myself silly. Sorry about that. I have some waxing myself and have two women who I expect will work until I am 90. I’m an absolute no on the Brazil version. Good grief one can only tolerate so much.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Oh you poor dear. Poor, poor dear. One must only see one’s preferred lady. I have no lady here so I have no waxes here. Not found suitable ladies. DO have a good hair lady, after, like, 3 years of not.
    Reading all these comments, I am one, completely, eye-rolling irritated by blondes, two, wondering how many of these women are even Italian, and three, gasping in horror at those who prefer an epilator to a wax!!! Eek!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. OMG! I am laughing at this hairy tale, but feel your pain. I have electrolysis every 4 weeks and it can be painful, but the pain of a Brazilian I have never known or will know a razor works for me.

    These days my legs, arms, and underarms are nearly hairless. I wish I was able to control where my is growing and not.

    I am trying a new Electrologist this week and hoping she’s as good as the one I had for years is. A five hour drive to see her has been contemplated!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Hilarious Hairy Tale, Joanne! “Spitting out the hair in self-defence” major belly laugh…….for me, not you. I was initially wary about the deforestation, since maybe tmi – we only just met. You could have been a writer for Seinfeld, btw, the highest compliment! 🙂 Erica

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I’m curled into a fetal position at the thought of anyone ripping hair out of my body. I am reverting to the ape. I cannot remember the last time I shaved under my arms, for instance. Sometimes I’m so lazy about shaving my legs, that I only shave the portion I know will be showing. eg. the eensy bit of exposed flesh below my crop pants and shoes.

    Liked by 1 person

    • hahahaha!! I think all of us can relate to that strategy at some point 😆

      I’m starting off the warm weather season with gloriously hairless legs and hopefully they’ll stay that way for a long time 🙂

      Like

  7. Bushwa! (No pun intended.) Horsefeathers! Applesauce! Joanne, why didn’t you run! Just grab the towel and forget clothes and shoes. Run for your life! This is one more in my ever escalating heap of reasons to continue my sabbatical on relationships — because these things are expected. o_O
    Did you ever see a TV show called The Magicians? There was a scene where a girl is showing her guy the book her parents demanded she read — The Joy of Sex. She explains to him that her parents insisted that she read the old edition “Back when people still had pubic hair.” LOL.

    Liked by 1 person

    • omg – I had such a good laugh with this comment. It all started with ‘bushwa’ … which in this case took on an entirely different slant 😆
      What a great line ‘back when people still had pubic hair’ 😆 There are truly such strange trends going on.

      Like

  8. If you were here in Los Angeles she would offer a Brazilian, but with a lazer, not with wax… It would cost a lot more and require several visits, but it would be painless and forever… 😀 ;D

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Love the honesty here. I used to do the same in my New York days but time at sea has made me drop many of the grooming routines I favored as a landlubber. Now I am lucky to get myself into a shower more than twice a week.

    In my early travel days, I was still maintaining my vaginal coiffure ‘on the road’ and got a chuckle recounting of a few horror stories similar to yours. Of course, I was crying at the time, but I can look back now, safely ensconced in all of my fur, and laugh.

    Liked by 2 people

  10. Oh boy. Two hysterical posts in a row. This time it was Maggie and Dan who set me off.

    I tried waxing a few times but found it excruciating. Not physically…. well, okay, yes it was physically excruciating… but…far worse… for a shy person, it was excruciatingly embarrassing. The best money I ever spent was on my little epilator. Same effect as waxing (hairs get lighter, thinner and sparser) but easily applied in the comfort of my own bathroom away from wax strip wielding Brunhildas.

    I admire your bravery. And your hilariously funny writing. 😄

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’ve tried those little epilators and didn’t have much success … or I lacked the patience 😏
      Thankfully with waxing, it’s a problem I won’t have to deal with again for a while 😁

      Like

  11. Like everyone else I struggled not to laugh at this, but you tell the tale so well 🙂
    I resent the fact that women feel the need to shave all their body hair off. Why? Who is it for? I have never waxed, but confess to shaving under the arms and the legs in summer, but I am still annoyed that I do so. What is worse are those dark hairs on the chin – now they really do not belong…

    Liked by 1 person

    • Chin hairs are the ultimate insult … especially as the hair on top of my head is getting thinner and thinner.

      I’ve been self-conscious of the dark hair on my legs since I was a teenager and HATED shaving. For me, waxing has been a godsend. Too bad the hair on my legs can’t take the hint 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  12. Oh, Joanne…when I had the newest melanoma removed from my pelvic lymph nodes last month, my first trip to the bathroom I thought, ‘something feels weird.’ Half-Brazilian. Best way to have it–under anesthesia. OMG, your story just got better and better. But I am so sorry!!

    Liked by 1 person

  13. I’m sure it was a horrifying experience but your telling of it is hilarious! Ouch! I remember once talking my mother into plucking her bushy eyebrows and she scared like a banshee the whole time!

    Liked by 1 person

    • If we don’t laugh at ourselves and the things we do sometimes, then life would be pretty miserable.
      So was that the first and last time your mom plucked her brows? 😉

      Like

  14. I’m laughing at your story but cringing at the experience. The idea of anyone putting hot wax on my body — let alone with the intention of then tearing it off — aaagh! Makes me very grateful for my relative hairlessness.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank your lucky genes 🙂

      I can happily say right now though that this is a problem I won’t have again for a while … which reminds me that I need to check on the schedule of my regular esthetician. It will be a sad day when she decides to retire!

      Liked by 1 person

      • I understand that; having once followed a hairdresser through several salon moves across the English Home Counties! We have such intimate relationships with beauty therapists, hairdressers, etc that losing them is really hard. Though I’ve never been in a situation where a change could result in actual pain.

        Like

  15. Ouch! I am in pain just thinking about it. I have never been waxed but I had a similar experience with a massage once – by a tiny woman up to about my navel who give me a very painful hour and left me literally black and blue. I’m allergic to the very word “massage” now.

    Liked by 1 person

  16. I tried waxing my legs myself and that was a disaster. Fortunately my hair is fair and sparse on my body so I can do nicely with a shave every few days. As for a Brazilian, yikes! I hate to shave close there because it itches afterward for many days.

    Liked by 1 person

  17. LOL! I am laughing, but I am feeling your pain too and thinking how BRAVE you are! I LOVE professional massages but ripping of hair from my skin, no thanks, would prefer to keep my skin. 🙂 I am sure when you see your regular lady again that you will bowing at her feet with thankfulness for her. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  18. Ha ha ha. Oh, I’m sorry I’m laughing, but you’re descriptions are so funny. “I think my body started spitting out the hair in self-defense.” OMG. You are so brave, Joanne. I’ve never waxed and gave up all hair removal about 8 years ago. Now I’m glad I never tried it.

    Liked by 1 person

  19. OMG! Feeling your pain and laughing out loud at the same time. I think I’ll keep deforest-ing with my little pink Daisy razor. I’ve had Brazilians done in the past, and they are very painful no matter who is doing it so it’s a good thing you took a pass!

    Deb

    Liked by 1 person

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