A Hairy Tale

It seems I’ve been on a roll lately with misadventures and the Universe decided to deliver a new one.

When my plans for the day were suddenly cancelled early this morning, I decided today would be a good day to drag my ape-like body to the salon for deforestation (yes, I know – a bit of mixed metaphor, but work with me here).

I admit, I pay to have someone put hot wax on my body and then rip out the hair.

I’ve been doing it for years and between the months of May and October, I regularly visit the same delightfully gentle woman to deliver my epilation.

Unfortunately, my delightfully gentle esthetician is away this week and so I reluctantly agreed to see someone new.

{Cue the horror movie music}

You know that stereotype about the Russian masseuse? – all rough, hard-edged, take-no-prisoners attitude? Yeah – that’s who I had … exception she wasn’t Russian. All the same, at the first sight of her I should have run.

But I didn’t.

The experience wasn’t the relatively painless passage into hairlessness I was used to. It was a rough, all-out war on hair.

After the initial rrrriiiiip (I wondered how much skin I had lost in the process), I think my body started spitting out the hair in self-defence.

… and the lovely massage of soothing lotion on the skin at the end? I felt more like a turkey being basted.

However, that wasn’t even the real horror … that occurred at the end when she suddenly declared in a tone that sounded more like a directive, that I should have a Brazilian* too – after all, “I was already there and now would be a good time”.

{Cue the horror movie music again}

I think I gave an Oscar-worthy performance in managing to keep a straight face as I suggested perhaps another day.

Holy Mother Mary … there wouldn’t be enough anaesthetic in the world that could dull the pain of a Brazilian performed at the hands of this woman!

From this experience, I’ve learned that not all estheticians are created equally and although I tip my esthetician generously (a wise thing to do with the person putting hot wax on your body), the delightfully gentle woman I normally see deserves a raise.

A very large raise.

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• If you aren’t familiar with a Brazilian, Dictionary.com defines it as “the process of removing all or almost all pubic and other hair in the pelvic area by applying hot wax”.