WARNING! Attitude Ahead.

If you are looking for light-and-uplifting, look away now. You will not find it here.

In the last several days I’ve attempted to write a handful of posts and each one was abandoned because I felt the tone was too sad and melancholy. They were not a proper reflection of how I thought I felt.

But this morning I woke up to rain and dark overcast skies.

… and the ubiquitous pandemic news.

… and the continuing bickering over “lives vs the economy”.

… and now a looming crisis in our food supply chain, with the virus having spread into the massive meat packing plants of North America.

As I nursed my morning coffee, the only solution I could come up with – other than burying myself in deep denial – was to embrace the melancholy and gloom. In other words, I went out in the rain hoping the messiness of nature would wash off the stink of growing despair.

Yes, I went rogue … going out on a forbidden city trail.

Clearly I wasn’t the only one. I encountered 3 humans, 5 dogs, and a whole lot of footprints to prove others came before me.

The rain did not let up for one minute, and although I was initially cold in the 9C (48F) morning temperature, I warmed up quickly enough … which was a good thing since I had only my phone, and a pair of gloves that made using the phone virtually impossible if I kept them on.

Try juggling gloves, a phone, and an umbrella in the persistent rain.

The 5-year-old in me still can’t resist puddles.

It was an odd kind of excursion. For starters, I was alone. What could possibly go wrong on a deserted trail in the misty gloom of a rainy morning?

Spoiler alert – nothing.

It gave me the opportunity to have a long overdue conversation with Mother Nature. I apologized for the complete cock-up we humans have made of things. We have a lot of shit to atone for.

But mostly I reflected on my suspicions that we haven’t seen the worst yet.

And there it finally was … the reason for my writing block, the restless nights, and the low-level anxiety I couldn’t shake.

I was afraid.

I was afraid of what could be coming next – growing protests against the closures and forced isolation. Civil disobedience. Growing animosity between people. Food shortages. Recession.

… not to mention the dreaded second wave.

It’s funny how a monster, once faced, no longer seems so scary.

It took a walk in the rain, and ultimately getting quite wet and muddy, to recognize that I have no power, no control over this situation. I am not a decision maker. I am not an influencer.

I have only my attitude.

… and today I declared I’ve had enough.

I will not be bullied by fear … and I left that unwelcome visitor on the trail.

133 comments

  1. Thanks for sharing your melancholy. I’ve been dealing with it myself this week… as we passed our 50th day of isolation. The uncertainty is definitely getting to me… I cannot plan anything because we just don’t know. We don’t know if there will be a second (worse) wave as things open back up. We don’t know when we will be able to go back to doing things we love to do. I keep trying – daily gratitude, doing on-line things, connecting via phone with friends. You’re the second blogger I’ve read in past 30 minutes who touted the joy of being in nature… I definitely need to walk more!!

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    • I’ve always been a rather solitary creature, so for the most part, the self-isolation hasn’t really impacted me emotionally. Obviously I miss getting together with my family and friends, but technology has taken the sting out of that.

      But my feelings are complicated and the constant reminders of our new reality began to weigh heavy. While I was initially uncertain about this post, I’m now grateful that I published it. Some of the internal demons were wrestled under control again. There is definitely something cathartic about exposing something that doesn’t feel right.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. “Attitude” is a good thing, Joanne. It often means you are expressing the genuine views of many/most people. You say it very well, verbally and in this post ”embrace the melancholy and gloom.” I love the ‘gloomy’ photo of the deserted trail in the rain.

    I was talking with my husband today how there is a pervasive feeling we have not seen the worse, yet. We Zoomed with our daughters today and (briefly, since noisy little children around) discussed how they should be somewhat prepared with basic supplies for the potential of another wave of virus, unrest and restrictions.

    Your post is a good reminder how we will not be able to control what happens around us. You also remind me how important walks in nature are, rain or shine. 💕

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  3. Joanne, I think it is so great that you were able to acknowledge your fear and write about it. Fear is certainly a very common feeling for most of us right now, and fear does lose some of its power over us when we face it and sit with it. Yet, there is a tendency in blogs and IRL for people to only want to present their upbeat side or their “capable adult” side. Sometimes I come away from my blog reading wondering why everyone but me is coping so well.

    On the other hand, if people weren’t fearful about the consequences of this virus for themselves and others, would they be as compliant with public health restrictions? We absolutely have to follow the physical distancing and hygiene guidelines to reduce the transmission rates, so maybe a degree of fear is serving a useful purpose.

    Jude

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    • Well said, Jude. However I don’t think the numbers we are seeing in Ontario are telling a story about compliance. I’m puzzled by the message that things are getting better, and yet the numbers tell a different story. It’s hard not to get discouraged.

      Your comment ‘why is everyone but me coping so well’ sums it up. On the outside I’m doing well, but inside it’s eating at me. It was rather liberating to just acknowledge it and let it roam around free.

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  4. I loved this post, Joanne. I’ve not written much recently as I feel like no one needs to hear another voice about pandemic and the looming catastrophe. I’m afraid, too. I like to have control and there isn’t any here, except to wear your mask, wash your hands, and stay away from people. Attitude is everything…tell me, how DO you leave the fear and depression on the muddy path? What mindset allows you to do that? I’d so love not to lay awake for hours at night as anxiety interferes with sleep.

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    • Yeah … I’m not so confident I did leave them behind, but I certainly walked away with a fresher attitude. Acknowledging I didn’t have control was actually quite liberating though.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. This is brilliant, Joanne. ❤ I'm so glad that you left it there, in the rain. You are so right, we only have our attitude. I wish you all well. Step #2: To show your face again at least to us. 😉 This photos of yours scares me! And there's no rain here to stroll in…

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  6. Sounds like heading into the woods was exactly what you needed to help process everything you are feeling.

    This is hard, no two ways about it. No matter how much we try to maintain a positive attitude, there are days when the weight of all of is just comes crashing down on us.

    Hopefully with the weather looking a little more promising this week, we can get outside & at least busy ourselves in & around our gardens.

    Hang in there my friend💞

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    • And therein lies the truth, Lynn. Regardless of how optimistic we are, the scales will occasionally rebalance, throwing doubt, fear, and melancholy in our path. This had been building for a while, but it took the rain and the fog (omg – I love fog!) to help crystallize it.

      While I initially regretted posting this for a bunch of reasons, I appreciate now how cathartic it was.
      For now, the scales have rebalanced back to a contented place. My tulips are in bloom, the peonies are starting to grow, and the bright happy faces of dandelions have sprung out.

      There is joy to be found everywhere again 😊

      Liked by 1 person

  7. I think we all feel similar these days. A bit uncertain, a bit fearful, but stomping our foot inside, demanding that things go back to normal. No reason to worry, you are (still) normal -so far.

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    • That’s actually my biggest fear, Bridget – that things will go back to ‘normal’. There are so many positives that have come out of this – recognition of the role of our medical system, highlighting the flaws in our long-term care homes for the elderly, the reduction in pollution, less consumerism and our ability to get along with less, caring and supporting one another … SO MANY building points. I hate the thought that these insights will be quickly forgotten and life will go on without building upon them.

      Like

  8. Good for you for meeting all this crap head on! Sometimes that’s all you can do. I love your photos, by the way. Several made me think of a haunted trail and I imagined the Headless Horseman was right around the bend.

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  9. Your photographs are absolutely beautiful. I felt as though I had gone deep into a very atmospheric painting. I do love the rain and glad that it helped to wash away the fear, as much as is possible. I relate very much to this post as I suspect many do. However, two weeks ago my mother was confirmed positive for corona and I went into a well of fear and it was not serving me well. Finally one of my sons read me the riot act and said “mom, you are TELLING us to all be calm and positive and hopeful, but you are not acting that way yourself”. I listened and
    realized he was right. As soon as I shifted my attitude and stopped crying and moved to a more positive belief in her health and ability to recover, I started to feel better… And we do need to all stay in the best health possible, which means the least amount of stress. The most amazing part though is she has JUSt recovered. An absolute miracle given her lousy overall health and her age (84). We are in process of making her stickers that read “One tough cookie. I beat COVID-19)

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  10. Your photographs are absolutely beautiful. I felt as though I had gone deep into a very atmospheric painting. I do love the rain and glad that it helped to wash away the fear, as much as is possible. I relate very much to this post as I suspect many do. However, two weeks ago my mother was confirmed positive for corona and I went into a well of fear and it was not serving me well. Finally one of my sons read me the riot act and said “mom, you are TELLING us to all be calm and positive and hopeful, but you are not acting that way yourself”. I listened and realized he was right. As soon as I shifted my attitude and stopped crying and moved to a more positive belief in her health and ability to recover, I started to feel better… And we do need to all stay in the best health possible, which means the least amount of stress. The most amazing part though is she has JUSt recovered. An absolute miracle given her lousy overall health and her age (84). We are in process of making her stickers that read “One tough cookie. I beat COVID-19)

    Like

  11. You’re speaking for so many of us with this post, Joanne. I’ve been doing my share of light-hearted ones to break the mental monotony; but honestly, I sometimes feel as if I’m not sure how long the proverbial we will be able to hold out with all of this. I saw a local protestor today holding a sign that said, “fake pandemic.” The mind boggles at such thinking.

    Your pictures capture everything so perfectly. And yet in their own way, they’re hauntingly beautiful. – Marty

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  12. This one forest bathing you did, Joanne, that is so therapeutic for the mind and soul proving awareness and opening in our being. I, too, would seek out forest bathing when oppurtunity is offered.

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  13. Joanne, the pictures reflect the tone of your post perfectly and yes, why take just one. I have had a few down days lately, and last week I wrote about a broken friendship. It wasn’t an analogy, but it felt like one. I think those of us who want to do the right thing are frustrated by those who are caviler and for me, the frustration sometimes turns to resentment. Resentment grades on the soul, and I don’t want that to happen, so I remind myself every day that you can’t fix stupid. Life will go on, decisions will be made that we don’t agree with and we will participate when we are good and damn well ready. In the mean while, that road looks very inviting.

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  14. I think if I could choose my nationality right now it would be New Zealander! I also think that if I started to write a full response to you about my fears it would turn into a political essay, so I’ll spare you that. The only thing I can think of in favour of the buffoon in charge here is that he hasn’t suggested injecting disinfectant yet.

    Liked by 1 person

  15. Instead of one big meltdown I’m pacing myself with lots of mini-meltdowns 😀
    Just watching the daily update from our provincial leaders here is enough to get me riled up. I’m a high-risk individual living 30 kms from the Canadian epicenter and these clowns are still talking like they’re doing a great job and everything’s gonna be just fine. Oh well, it feels better to blow off some steam by shouting at the TV, rather than bottling it up.
    One day at a time, control what you can control, and try not to obsess about the rest. I’m sure a nice quiet walk on a peaceful trail can certainly help.
    Take care of yourself, okay?

    Like

    • I deluded myself into thinking the world was going to become a better place for this crisis. We were finally going to start to appreciate the power of working together instead of the constant antagonist behaviour of the past.

      I was wrong. The same shameful behaviours are starting to manifest themselves again and it’s politics as usual 😔

      You are right to stay mindful and play by your own rules. Big hugs to both of you ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

  16. Joanne, you’re still the only blogger I’ve seen/follow who is masked! So Me Thinks you have every right to
    ‘rant’!!!
    Yesterday was my rant day, too…only not due to fear but indignation that the powers that be are in essence dissing all those on the front lines – medical & essential workers – and undermining the whole purpose of ‘Stay Home.’
    Anyway…keep the masked – faith (couldn’t resist the odd word juxtaposition!)
    😉

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    • I didn’t realize I would strike such a chord with so many other people. Such is the power of blogging to discover that we’re not alone in our feelings … and meltdowns!!

      It’s hard to remain calm and optimistic with so much craziness going on. Hope you manage to hold on to yours 🙂

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  17. Thank you for saying what I think most of us are thinking. 🙂 It is like we are living in a war zone but everyone is not wearing the same gear and fighting the same battle. I went to a store yesterday with my face covering on feeling that was the right thing for myself and for others only to see that at least 50% hadn’t bothered to use any. Then I stood in line to check out with a couple with no face coverings right behind me instead of at the 6′ space. Today, our governor opens up several things including the beaches – walk, jog, swim, but don’t stop or sit. I’m not sure how they will enforce it, but I won’t be there anyway. I can live without chicken, I can even live without meat for a while, but the armed protestors in Michigan brought me to a very sad and frightful place, and I’m afraid Mother Nature can’t cure that one for me. Stay safe and keep walking, but don’t get caught. 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    • Even before this pandemic, my anxiety level has always tended to creep up when I’m anywhere near anything remotely resembling a crowd … and heaven forbid if someone should actually bump into me. With that kind of background, you can imagine how I handle people who aren’t physically distancing well.

      It’s been a huge relief to me to discover through this post that others have been feeling the same way. We do tend to get caught up in our own drama and feel we are alone. Knowing that others share this complex mix of emotions right now feels very, very good.

      Liked by 3 people

  18. I was struck, in a good way, by the picture of the trail with the ghost prints of earlier walkers – very moody, evocative – now that’s extreme social distancing!

    After I read your post, I watched a documentary on the 1918 flu pandemic. Reiner and I kept up a running commentary – mostly “OMG!” and “what a bunch of %^$#’s! What were they thinking!?” and most frightening, “this is no different than today!”

    So, yeah, if fear hasn’t got a stranglehold on me, it is encroaching. As you commented to Kate Crimmins, I hope to use that fear to make smart decisions instead of being immobilized by it.

    Like

    • “Ghost prints” – I like that 🙂 Apparently I found them very evocative too, based on the number of photos I took! Why take only one when a dozen will do 😆

      Earlier in this crisis, I led myself to believe that the world was going to change to a kinder, gentler place. People were supporting and comforting each other. It was inspiring.

      Lately however, it seems to have all gone to hell. The same pettiness has resurfaced. Those who thrive on stirring up anger and dissatisfaction are tossing out the usual irresponsible half-truths and misinformation … and others are picking it up and spreading the noise. The evidence is already on the wall that we haven’t learned a damn thing from this experience … and therein lies my despair.

      The clarity I have now though, is that it’s possible for both joy and sadness to coexist at the same time. I feel joy with my world, with spring coming to life, and yet can acknowledge that there is also anger, fear, and sadness. It’s complex, and contradictory, but normal and ok.

      Liked by 1 person

      • I love that last line – it’s easy and it’s not – and that is OK.

        I hear you on the despair front. Early in “the event”, I read somewhere that people will approach this issue with the same coping mechanisms they have in their bag of tricks – if that means remaining calm, they will. On the other hand, if it means lashing out…

        In terms of our administrations’ approach – progressive bodies will look to support the community. Those on the right will be primarily concerned with saving their own behinds and the wallets in those back pockets. It was foolish of me to expect anything else. I’m glad to see that our provincial leader is proving me wrong. But I’m reserving my wholehearted endorsement of the man until I see what happens when this has passed.

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        • I’m in the same category as you, Maggie. I’m impressed – and pleasantly surprised. I hope this represents a permanent maturing as a progressive leader and he doesn’t start to slide back to the usual cut/cut/cut strategy when the crisis passes.

          On the other hand, I’m appalled at Scheer that he has already started his whining about the deficit.

          Liked by 1 person

    • Someday!

      I muse about the stories that this generation of children will one day tell their children and grandchildren about their extraordinary lives living in a pandemic. I’m sure many of those stories will be heartbreaking.

      Like

  19. I think you are correct Joanne, we haven’t seen the worst of things yet. As my wife always says “cheer up things will get worse”. I can’t believe you’re such a rebel going out on forbidden trails. I bet you were one of those people who didn’t rewind their video tapes before bringing them back to the rental store also 🙂

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  20. I am thankful daily that I have space to commune with nature (right now the crocuses have finally started blooming and most of the snow has finally melted). It really does help restore the balance in one’s life — in only the few ways we can control. Those close to me are facing many issues and the weight of it is occasionally landing so heavy on my shoulders that the walk is required to bring my mind back to centered. Good for you for hitting the mud and the foggy, almost deserted trail. Take care and stay safe.

    Like

    • Right now it’s my favourite whine about how much I miss the trails. It’s not lost on me that I’m very lucky if this is the worst I have to endure. I’m safe, my loved ones are safe, and in spite of the occasional bouts of pessimism, I do hold hope for a better world when we all come through this.
      Some days however, it’s harder to hold onto that optimism and the goodness of the human spirit.

      Like

  21. Excellent post.

    Sometimes we have to accept the “what is” . . . even if the “what is” is our own internal anxiety.

    Glad the walk helped you reclaim some equilibrium.
    Sleep well. Stay well.

    Liked by 1 person

    • The big AHA came to me with the realization that happy & sad can coexist at the same time. It’s ok to have complex and contradictory feelings and both need to be acknowledged.

      Like

    • Thanks Donna. Sleep will come eventually 🙂 For now, just acknowledging that I feel sad – and why – is an important step. I can still see and appreciate the beauty of life around me as spring starts to unfold and be ok with the fact that there are things beyond my control that are sad and frustrating. It’s a little bit like Schrödinger’s Box.

      Like

  22. any more fog and that would be a freaky path

    love the pic of the footprints

    looks like possible deer and raccoon territory too to me

    p.s. I actually prefer overcast weather because I live where it’s always humid

    Like

    • It is definitely deer territory … and well, raccoons are simply everywhere! I love fog, but that’s probably because I don’t get to experience it very often. I wasn’t expecting fog when I drove to this trail, so it was an unexpected bonus 🙂

      Like

  23. A lovely post Jo, which says so much about how many of us are feeling. I’m not afraid for myself, but I am afraid of what might happen once restrictions are relaxed. So many people are in a great hurry to act as normal again, when this is not a normal time. Maybe enough hasn’t been said about the way in which this virus attacks the body, maybe young people think that it won’t happen to them, but I have spent far too much time visiting hospitals in the past three years and seeing my son in intensive care to understand just how serious it is when your body tries to fight an infection and the effect on other organs. Seeing how everyone is crowding together already in parts of the world is a little scary and once travel opens up again then what? I think you are right to be afraid.

    Liked by 1 person

    • It is a parent’s nightmare to have a child who is deathly ill – regardless of the age. I too have been through it, and it has left permanently emotional scars, as I’m sure it has with you.

      My biggest fear through all of this is that we will have learned nothing through this experience – the behavioural changes that are needed, and the attitude adjustments so that we DON’T return to ‘normal’.
      I had early optimism by the stories of people helping and supporting one another, but now it’s devolved into the usual patterns of aggression and distrust 😕

      Like

  24. Thanks for putting some of those muddier feelings (and feet!) out there. I swing from one side to the other, and with several major life events happening in our family this year, it has been especially difficult to be in limbo land. Thank your lucky stars you’re in Canada and not here in the U.S. where apparently we did have armed men rushing the Michigan capitol today. Good grief. That kind of punctured the optimistic feelings I was summoning up recently. Keep on getting outside; I swear it helps!

    Liked by 1 person

    • You are so right about the muddy feelings. Putting on a brave face and staying optimistic isn’t always easy and as I discovered, not necessarily good. The bad feelings also have to be acknowledged or they start to eat at me.
      I think I’m fortified now … at least until the next ‘meltdown’.

      I used to believe that sanity / common sense would prevail in any situation. Now I’m not so sure.

      Liked by 2 people

  25. Good for you! I like your attitude and your photos. It’s refreshing to just let yourself be yourself, especially when you get to walk along somewhere outside while you decide to change your attitude. Memorable.

    Liked by 2 people

  26. You’ve said what I’ve been thinking, and exorcise your version of the demons in the same way I tried to with a beach walk. Maybe I should have taken a longer walk — or even a swim.

    Kidding aside, this is a lovely eloquent post that is touching many of us. Kia kaha wahine toa — stand strong brave woman.

    Liked by 1 person

    • This was such a difficult post to write … and I had immediate regret when I published it. I feared that the words weren’t right and my thoughts too muddy to make sense.
      So I’m surprised to discover it still struck a chord with others, in spite of my clumsy efforts. It appears I’m not alone and there lies the power of this wonderful blogging community 💕

      Be well, Su. The rest of the world looks on New Zealand and your strong competent (female!!) PM with respect.

      Liked by 3 people

      • I can imagine Joanne. And I’m not surprised that it has stuck a chord with so many of us.
        We are proud of our government; but it’s what they do next that will really define them.

        Liked by 1 person

  27. I love this, Joanne. So many are feeling the same. We might be handling this pandemic well physically and financially, but the suffering of others, the ridiculous incompetency of some leaders, and the vast sea of unknowns ahead are upsetting and lead to this persistent underlying sense of anxiety and despair. Sue Vincent wrote a beautiful post about how it’s okay to feel our feelings. We don’t need to be positive and brave all the time. Her post and yours, in a way, gave me permission to acknowledge how very off base I feel. I’m glad you went for your walk, acknowledged your feelings, and let go. Feelings will ebb and flow through this. And that’s okay. Your post touched me, my friend, and your beautiful photos were perfect companions for your reflections. ❤

    Liked by 3 people

    • Thank you, Diana. I initially regretted publishing this post. I think it’s part of this general malaise where I question everything I feel and whether it makes sense.

      Like you, I’m safe and comfortable but it’s hard to stay in a happy bubble and pretend everything is ok. It’s not ok and yesterday I came to the conclusion that I have to acknowledge all the emotions – the good and bad – or else they gain too much power.
      I’m glad the chaos in my head made a little bit of sense when I tried to express it in this post.
      Hugs!

      Liked by 1 person

      • We are a long way from being done with this and it’s going to be important to honor all our feelings, laughter and tears, good days and bad days. Letting that be okay for ourselves and others will help us get through this and retain our humanity. ((Hugs))

        Liked by 1 person

    • I can imagine the terror of parents. Nothing is worse than something that threats our children.

      As you say, this virus will eventually be contained. I just hope it’s a better world afterwards because we’ve learned some valuable lessons.

      Liked by 1 person

  28. Grim news all around I agree. I worry about the civil unrest too – especially with all the gun toting nincompoops in the US. The nice thing, for me, about a walk in the misty woods is to come home and warm up with a pot of tea and cookie.

    Liked by 2 people

  29. I love your attitude, and your photos. Being from the desert, a hike in the rain and fog is a special treat, so the photos were anything but gloomy, to me. Also, I doubt you were in any danger of catching or spreading the virus with this little act of civil disobedience, so kudos to you.

    Liked by 1 person

  30. Living in the desert, rain is a welcome distraction. A pouring out of life. Glad you let it wash over your justifiable attitude… Stay on the trail and stay off the news.

    Liked by 1 person

  31. And this is why liquor stores are experiencing record surges in sales. I can certainly say I’m doing my part for saving the economy by buying booze!

    Liked by 1 person

  32. Thank you Joanne, for writing so eloquently what I have been feeling as well. I tried to have this same conversation with someone yesterday and was unable to put it in to words. I will have to keep this post handy so I can refer to it frequently over the next few weeks, as it brought me a measure of comfort that has until now been elusive

    Liked by 2 people

    • When I first read your comment last night it literally brought tears to my eyes. I felt a huge sense of relief that (1) my post made sense, and (2) I wasn’t alone with these feelings. They’re complicated, and messy, and quite frankly, sometimes not even logical – as emotions tend to be.

      To know we aren’t alone is valuable beyond belief. To acknowledge the fear and anxiety has been liberating. It hasn’t made those feelings go away, but it’s helped strip them of their power. I hope it’s done the same for you 💕

      Like

  33. Great post, Joanne. We really can only control ourselves at this point. I’m trying not to be afraid but it does creep in at night sometimes. Very cool pictures. Nice juggling everything to get them.

    Liked by 2 people

  34. Soon as I saw the title, I was in. Joanne–you are not alone. Florida ‘opens up’ tomorrow. Which means nothing to me because this girl is not going out into the open. Georgia opened up everything. What in the hell is that moron governor thinking?! Before I read your post I read yet another comment from Dr Fauci (God bless Dr Fauci!) that this is such a great chance of a second wave. In other words, it is gonna happen, people. I am so happy that I retired two weeks before all this hit the fan. I have all the praise in the world for those who are able to work from home and school their children. I pray that we get a break and, if there is a second wave, people are the wiser for it and put into practice what we have, hopefully, learned from this one. But I kinda doubt it. I have lost faith…

    Liked by 3 people

  35. I think you read my mind! Rant aside (though totally on point!) – your pictures are fabulous; so moody with the fog & the rain. Sending hugs! Warmer weather will get here eventually!

    ps – I like puddles too! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  36. Gorgeous, moody photos that echo the text. It is freeing to finally face what is eating you, and bring the boogey man out of the closet and into the light. To give up the pretence of control. We only have total control over one thing: our attitude. Good for you, my friend 🥰🤗

    Deb

    Liked by 1 person

  37. I had my attitude last week. Not sure what clicked inside, but I have surrendered! This week has taken a 180 and life feels much better. I haven’t felt this much internal peace in a long time. It’s kind of ironic, really.

    Liked by 1 person

    • The first meltdown I had back in March was messy – yelling, crying. This one was more insidious. On the surface everything was fine and ‘normal’, but I felt ‘off’. My single biggest fear is that important lessons will not have been learned from this experience. Already the writing is appearing on the wall 🙁

      I hope some of that internal peace you found rubs off on me!

      Liked by 1 person

    • The sad part, Kate, is I thought I was handling this all very well. I’m just glad I was finally able to drag this boogey man out into the open to diminish its power over me.

      Like

      • You are talking to someone who just came back from a grocery trip for my brother. After I shopped I got back to my car and cried. Big sobs. I wasn’t even embarrassed. In explaining to my husband I didn’t even know what exactly I was crying about. It was lots of little things building. It’s good to explode in some way every so often. It’s a steam pressure release valve on your feelings.

        Like

        • I know that feeling. I didn’t appreciate how stressed I felt going shopping until I totally snapped on my husband one day when he asked why I wasn’t doing the groceries that afternoon. He was like a deer caught in the headlights by my extreme reaction … and then he offered to go instead.
          Strange times.

          Liked by 1 person

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